A Little Piece of Chalk
by Jasmine's Nightmares
Summary: Commander Shephard is alone in her room, locked inside a psychotic inner monologue that bridges her past suffering with the current crysis. Oneshot.


**Author's Notes: **

This short story is an attempt to view Commander Shephard's more-than-human side, away from the spotlight of the hero s/he is called to face in everyday life.

The hour is way past bedtime, it is dark and lonely, a time when everything that haunts us, that weighs us down, all the problems and anxieties we have, they catch up on us. It is ideal, not always to relax, but in Shephard's case, to let go, to be weak, to let the mask of the savior slide from the face and collapse, knees first, to the floor. The more severe and taxing the trials of the day, the more intense our outbrake, sometimes bordering on insanity. Extreme situations the Commander has come to face throughout their lifetime and constant need to deal with them, combined with the present crysis, are leading them to a breaking point, one that is necessary to overcome, not only in order to deal with future trials but also to accept themselves and their weaknesses and mature.

Although a feminine feel is applied to Shepard, their gender is not guiding the theme of this story. The implied and later slight presence of Kaidan Alenko is the train that leads Shephard through this crysis. His existence, as a human being first and as a man eventually, is catalytic.

* * *

**Disclaimer: **

Mass Effect and the mentioned characters are all properties of their respective owners. The angst is all mine, however!

Thanks for reading! Enjoy!

* * *

**A Little Piece of Chalk**

a.k.a

" Instability "

* * *

_I feel your finger down my spine when the light darkens_

_I can't sleep_

_Turn on the lights_

_I trade one torture for the torture of freezing water_

_Nothing happens. Relief is far away. My pain remains._

_Turn off the lights, again_

_Progress has not been made_

_I can't sleep_

_Nothing has happened. You're here. My agony remains._

_I feel you behind my back, a laser scrutiny_

_My hair stands on end_

_You're close now. Your warm breath at the back of my neck, scorching me_

_Burning with desire_

_Cold sweat trickling down my spine_

_I can't sleep_

_Instead, I crawl..._

_A few days back I found a little piece of chalk. I found it in my combat belt. Inside one of those little pockets._

_I don't know how it came to be there. I sure didn't put it there. I don't know who could have left it there._

_It's like a forgotten breadcrumb hiding in the pocket of your old coat_

_It's a precious little treasure, my little piece of red chalk_

_It is my only true possession_

_And the only thing I have that doesn't relate to war_

_So I crawl..._

_...to the corner of the room where you can't reach me_

_But that's just a delusion. A convenient lie to comfort myself. _

_You're already here._

_In this same ship, I mean_

_You fight next to me_

_You walk next to me_

_Sometimes you talk to me_

_You pass before my door, I can hear your steps drawing nearer._

_I can't live like this!_

_But now I have my little piece of chalk! Now I have a piece of chalk!_

_And I have strained my mind, through all these sleepless nights and come up with a plan!_

_I'll write this down!_

(From outside) - Commander?

_I want to say that I used to love someone, so different from you_

_I want to say I used to love someone who doesn't exist in your world_

_I want to say I love someone that doesn't exist. In this world._

_I want to say I love someone._

_But I can't...remember him_

(From outside) - Commander, are you in?

_Quick! There's no time!_

_You are standing outside my room!_

_You knock at the door of my room!_

(From outside) - Commander, is something wrong?

_Your voice..._

_-I won't listen!-_

_So soft and sweet and caring..._

_-I can't listen!-_

_I can't...._

_...Because you're always asking me_

_Asking, if I'm feeling alright_

_Asking, if I would let you in_

_Why?_

_But no!_

_You can't see me like this!_

_I have to put on my face again_

_I have to reassure you that I'm well_

_I have to reassure you that everything will be fine_

_I have to be your commander again_

(From outside, with evident worry) - Commander??!

_No time!_

_Calm down!_

_I have my little piece of chalk!_

_This time, I have a little chalk!_

_Write it down!_

_Yes!_

_I will write his name on the steel wall!_

_I will write his name all over the steel walls!_

_I will..._

_...but what is that?_

_...there, upon the wall, it is a single letter my hand now carves, despite me, upon the cold surface._

K

_It's sight breaks me. A spasm in my chest. I try but I can't hold back the tear._

_I try but I can't...deny_

_I trace my finger upon the flimsy line with adoration_

_The touch turns my devotion to a blur, a red dust that clings to my skin._

_Despair! I trace my tongue upon the flimsy lines with hunger...slowly...carefully_

_Devoured, the scarlet letter translates to a word before my eyes_

_It's message, round and clear_

Kaidan

_The wall is empty again_

_There's nothing there_

_There has been something there, a faint trace..._

_But I can't..._

_I don't..._

_I won't...remember you_

_I still have a little chalk left..._

After much perseverance, the panel door finally opens to reveal the worried face of a young man in jumpsuit

His speechless look says more that should be said. He hesitates.

Commander Shepard is eyeing him grimly, a placid expression plastered upon the face:

- Is there something you needed, Lieutenant?

* * *

_But die soon, Love. _

_If what you have for yourself, does not stretch to your body's end._

**Amiri Baraka - _Balboa The Entertainer_**


End file.
